What have I been up to?

**The past two moths I’ve been living with two friends in México City. I’ll be here for six months doing an “intership”, but also, I’m going to have my legal name change (hoorrrayy!), this process haven’t been easy, when I arrived here in august I was sad af. This are some of my journal entries since then**

02/aug/16

I had the anxieties today

I felt uneasy, bored, but not quite useless. Outside, I couldn’t handle the people or the cars or anything. I felt watched. Of course, I gave in to cravings. My roomates won’t shut tfu and I want to sleep. I still haven’t got the ID I need to change my name, what gives? I still don’t pass; it’s only going to complicate things more? But again, no other time would be better. I’ll make an appointment THIS WEEK. I’ll mark it. I feel like I have no goals and the goals I have are way too hard, like passing all my classes even though they’re not that hard. I feel I have no path. I’m just wasting everybody’s time and I’m stupid. I’ve gotten stupid. Maybe I need a checklist of tasks or (super)short term goals?

I’m too tire to schedule anything. I’ll just go to sleep. Tomorrow I’ll take a shower and get ready to meet the roleplay league at uni.

03/aug/16

I still feel like shit lmfao.

I want to stop eating forever. I got misgendered in a fucking dream. I don’t want more sugar in my life. Today I’ll fucking try. Maybe I’m just tired.

-On hurting your skin in search for not being in pain on your own skin:

I put tape (medical grade tape) on my chest so it’s flatter. On top of it, I put my binder. The tape hurts my skin, sometimes a little part of my skin is torn when I take it off. The binder doesn’t let me breath. Buy at least I can go out without freaking out. I can go out without having panic attacks. I can look in the mirror (almost) without disgust. What part of me is trying to survive and what part is trying to break me into pieces? Sometimes is hard to tell. Sometimes. I don’t binge as much though. I stop myself, I try to be better, to have goals, to work hard, to not be sad. Maybe I’m in pain but this pain helps me keep on.

04/aug/16

How easy I get discouraged is sometimes worrying. Right now I feel sad… or maybe just numb. I’ve made an appointment to get my ID with my new address in Mex. City, the date is September 3rd, so I’ll be getting my date to change my name around mid-October. I feel it’ll do nothing tbh, I still don’t pass. I still am depressed, I don’t know why I make an effort. I don’t like being alone at home all day, I start feeling like I’m worthless and think negative stuff.

In light of this fucked up feeling, I think I should make a list of how a name change would help me currently:

*I could change my university papers and get

-an ID with my name

-a library card with my name

-teachers would have lists with my name

*I could have my INE with my name and I wouldn’t feel bad presenting it to anyone.

*I could register packages as Julián R. and get them with my ID

*I would feel safer saying my name to authorities

*When I graduate, my title will have my name.

*simply, doing this (the legal name change) here and now is more convenient and easier than waiting. I will probably have to travel back after, but it’s a start.

11/aug/16

No me siento increíblemente triste, pero si me siento triste a veces. Especialmente en la universidad. Hay muchas personas atractivas, y yo me siento horrible y gordo y andrógino, pero no en el sentido bueno, en el sentido en que no es como me quiero ver. Ir al baño es súper complicado, no tengo con quien hablar. Necesito leer, pero no puedo tomarme un shot de café porque estaré yendo al baño y eso no lo soporto. Los dos últimos días he comido mucha azúcar procesada y creo que era la ansiedad de estar en un lugar tan lleno de gente y yo tan solo.

19/aug/16

I feel fucking lonely and I miss my Friends, and I feel that’s partly why I’m so sensitive about being left alone, I have nobody to talk to. I just come home and I hardly talk with anyone about my day or anything.

Estoy bien jodido ALV lmfao. I don’t want to feel like this. I thought of cutting today. I feel nostalgic. I wanna go out with someone and watch a movie or something. I wanna play catan or magic or D&D. I should do my homework though.

 

**Luckyly enough, I’m much better now. On september 26 I have my date to change my name, I’ll be uploading more about that, but in spanish, since I’m mexican and that info is more relevant to mexican readers.**

R//

 

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